Confession of a ‘gentle’ sleep coach

When i first started as a sleep coach i'd been trained that self settling isn’t always needed to get your baby sleeping well.  And if it WAS needed in a particular case, i was told ANY sleep approach (slow or fast) would work perfectly if followed consistently.

Sounds reasonable right?  Wrong.

 

Here’s the mistake i made:  When you're working with babies under 12 months, the reality is that the slow, ‘gentle’ self settling approaches just DON’T WORK.  The missing link i hadn’t been taught is that self settling is a skill that all babies need before they'll sleep without crying out for you.  Some babies work it out on their own; and those families very rarely come to me for support!!  The rest need more of a concerted effort to develop the skill; Enter Sleep Training.

 

When we look at the approaches out there to teach self settling, the method you use REALLY depends upon the age / stage of development of your baby.  It isn't a case of pick one from a list. 

 

Let me explain:

 

What are your goals?  If you’re just looking to move away from one sleep association like feeding to sleep, towards something more sustainable like rocking, you can definitely achieve that with a slow gentle method.  But most people don't come to me for this.  They want help to get their baby sleeping longer overnight.  And, if there’s a sleep association there, teaching self settling (AKA sleep training) is how you'll improve your nights.

 

As much as i’d LOVE to say that there are great tear-free approaches, the reality is that for babies under a year old, its really rare to achieve this without tears.  And because there are tears, i believe its better to offer a quick, effective method and not a long drawn out ‘gentle’ approach (which i promise you will feel anything but gentle).

 

NOTE: If you're working with toddlers and children, this view totally flips on its head and actually tear-free approaches are FAR MORE SUITABLE.  But that's a story for another blog!

 

I'm just going to say it: ‘Gentle’ approaches for self settling are for the parents not for the baby.  Your baby really needs an effective way of helping them sleep better - one that minimises tears overall; not one that causes more tears for a longer duration.

 

And the problem is, parents like the sound of Gentle.  Who wouldn't?  But its just a marketing gimic.  And it insinuates that Sleep Training is in some way harmful.  There's no such thing as 'gentle' when it comes to making changes that your baby isnt keen on.  BUT there is such thing as RESPONSIVE.  And sleep training can absolutely be responsive whilst still giving your baby the space they need to work things out for themselves.

 

My first few client cases still haunt me.  Offering 'gentle' solutions that caused SO much upset to everyone involved. I came into this industry to help, not to hinder.  But a positive came out of it.  It drove me to start questioning my training and gave me a thirst for better knowledge.  I took an extra sleep course at degree level (OCN Level 6) and I'm embarking on another OCN L6 on top of that.  Follow the science.  Follow the research.  Improve my knowledge. 

 

And with my improved knowledge and experience, i know for certain i'll never take on a client who asks for 'gentle'.  I'm not ungentle in my approach.  But its such a loaded word and raise so many red flags to me.

 

Why tell you all this?

 

Well, because I want to be honest about my own journey in this business and to demonstrate that I’ve used my mistakes and discoveries to improve upon how i can support YOU.  I know you want to make changes to your baby’s sleep without upsetting them.  But with your baby’s interest at heart, i want to tell you honestly that tears are not harmful.  Its OK for your baby to feel all the feelings!  If they're loved, safe and have you as their secure base, there is no harm done by you changing your baby's sleep habits.

 

If you’re not on board with my views, i respect your right to your opinion.  Sleep training isn’t for everyone, nor would i expect it to be.  Its about choice, right?  And no-one should feel they HAVE to do anything.  But if you DO want less broken nights and your baby's currently seeking your help to settle to sleep, i really would encourage you not to rule out sleep training for fear of tears.  The research and evidence (my compass for all advice) all stacks up in favour.

 

Did this blog get you thinking?  Does it all make sense to you?  Why not join the mailing list and get more evidence-based sleep info to your mailbox weekly.