12/07/26

Before we get stuck into the self settling debate, lets firstly talk about your baby's sleep needs.  Getting your baby to sleep at the right time, for the right amount, may feel like a dark art, but it can actually make a huge difference between settling happily and sleeping well vs bedtime battles and broken nights.  

Finding the right ‘wake windows’ for your baby can be really tricky because actually wake windows aren’t supported by science.  There’s no evidence that a set age requires a set amount of time awake.  What IS real, is a baby's OWN UNIQUE sleep needs that will roughly fall in line with national averages by age - but there's a pretty large scale of 'normal' there.

So how do you find out what your own baby’s personal wake windows are?  You've got to work out your baby's sleep totals across days and nights, on average, and then experiment a little bit.  And the problem with those generic wake window charts is that they often suggest windows that are far too short.  So parents think their baby must be overtired.  They mustn't be getting enough sleep. And they try to get them to sleep EVEN EARLIER.

In my own experience, a lot of parents fear overtiredness but actually, i see more issues as a result of undertiredness than the other way round. In fact, i actually prefer to talk in terms of Sleep Pressure rather than over or under tiredness because ultimately its about getting the balance of sleep pressure right (sleep drive, tiredness, sleepiness) that should be the focus and not the fear of over or under tiredness.

BUT WAIT: before you run off and start messing with your baby's sleep timings; there’s a catch and its where the importance of self settling comes in…

If your baby can’t self settle it really muddies the waters when trying to work out their sleep needs; because if they need your help to sleep they’ll wake after every sleep cycle needing that same help.  So we can’t use things like short naps, broken nights, or bedtime battles to reliably tell us if its a timing issue.  Also, and actually more importantly, I find that parents have difficulty knowing whether their baby is teething, or ill, or in any general discomfort because all of those frequent wakings could also be all of those things!  Once your baby can self settle its SO much easier to spot when something is 'off' for your baby.  And it allows you to respond to those needs much more easily.

So yes; when i have my initial chat with a familiy about their baby’s sleep, i’m always interested in whether their baby can self settle.  Every sleep challenge is different and not all follow the same path to a resolution, but in most cases the true magic begins once they can self settle.  It allows you to hand over to them the access to a very important biological function that really should be theirs to own.  Plus it clears the way for us to read and understand their other needs - which will put you all on the path to beautiful unbroken sleep!

Now, sleep training is NEVER something you should feel you HAVE to do if you don't want to.  But, if you want those broken nights to stop, you’ve got to address the elephant in the room; if they can't self settle you're unlikely to solve it any time soon without sleep training.

And by the way, although it seems to invite controversy these days, evidence not only shows that sleep training causes no harm, it has been found to actually increase parent/child attachment, reduce maternal depression and improve health and wellbeing for the entire family.  It can be an absolute life line for families who need it.  And that’s something i’m proud to help families with.

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